Recently, Jordan Lee, a writer, speaker, and Jesus freak who happens to be one of my favorite women to follow on social media, posted this statement…
" You are allowed to be completely broken and full of joy, simultaneously. "
... and that statement struck a chord in my heart because that was exactly how I have felt all summer. This summer was full of changes for me. I graduated college, got my first full-time job, moved to Omaha, lost my grandpa, had people walk out of my life, met new people, strengthened relationships with people that I have known for a long time... it was a rough summer but an exciting one at the same time. And I think for this reason it happened to be the best summer.
I believe that if you allow yourself to truly feel without suppressing or hiding what you are feeling is when real growth begins. This summer I have felt relief, anger, sadness, loneliness, confusion, jealousy, joy, happiness, excitement, surprise, love, contentment, etc. I was so emotional this summer, and in the past I would have called myself stupid for being so emotional. I've always been one that is uncomfortable with feelings and am the type to bottle it up while pretending everything is fine. But this summer, I allowed myself to really feel and by allowing myself to do that, I became more in touch with myself and it brought me this contentment I've never had before.
By opening my heart and allowing myself to really feel in the midst of brokenness, I have felt this calling to find a personal relationship with Jesus. I have wanted this for awhile, but I either never really knew where to begin, or constantly gave myself excuses not to start building that relationship. But this time was different...
Towards the end of college I was really starting to look ahead at my future and what I thought it would look like; I had such an uneasy feeling and it really freaked me out. I didn't know what to do about it and told myself that feeling is normal and it would be fine, when deep in my heart I knew that it wouldn't be. God just knew it before I did and knew that things had to change before it got worse. So, my relationship ended, which was hard, but at the same time I felt relieved and that this huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. I began feeling guilty that I was so relieved, and it made me feel selfish. And then the feelings of loneliness started hitting me. It's weird going from being so close to someone and talking everyday to all of sudden not having that anymore. It's also hard for me to shut the door completely on someone I cared so much for, so I kept the door propped open. We continued to talk, but it was hard because it wasn't the same. It felt the same sometimes, but we both knew it wasn't and it made me feel worse. It's better to shut the door and move on then cling onto something that isn't meant to be. Feelings of jealousy, anger, and confusion came when he started hanging out and dating another girl. Many thoughts were going through my head such as... how is she better? What's wrong with me? Why couldn't I give him that happiness? How could he move on so fast? But hold up Jen.. Remember that sense of relief you felt? Two sides were tugging at my heart and it was tearing me apart.
On top of all of that, my grandpa wasn't doing very well. He was failing fast and my heart was devastated. The strongest, most stubborn man I know was laying cooped up in a nursing home bed. After seeing this, I made it a goal to get up and truly be in the moment. I made more time for friends and family and I said yes to more opportunities. When I started doing these things, amazing things happened. My relationships have grown and new people and opportunities came about that I never would have expected three months ago.
Death and heartbreak has an amazing way of transforming you. I remember sitting in the church at my grandpa’s funeral and truly feeling God there, and feeling contentment in my heart for the first time in a long time. It was like He was telling me that everything would be okay and that I needed to let Him in and get to know Him. Right then and there I made the decision to do just that.
Again, I really had no idea where to begin, but it was different this time because I didn't want to make an excuse and run away scared. When I truly chose this, everything seemed to fall into place. One day, a friend reached out to me about starting a life group and it couldn't have been more perfect timing. When you choose God and want to get to know Him, He will open doors and lead you to where you should be. So I started going to life group, and in the first meeting, I broke down crying. It was said that is what happens when the Holy Spirit is entering your life... and suddenly the last few months made more sense to me. I was so emotional because I needed change and was finally beginning to let Him in. This is just the beginning of my lifelong relationship with Jesus and I can't wait to continue on this journey back to my first love, and to the one where being Just Jen is more than enough!
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