When I allowed Jesus into my heart, I really began to ask myself why I was so resistant to do so in the past. I think a main reason is because I was afraid of what He would see. I never felt good enough and thought that He only wanted to see the best of me. This has been my way of thinking for as long as I can remember, and it is hard for me to open up to people because of this. I am a bit of a perfectionist and don't like people seeing my flaws. Or, when I do finally open up to someone, it seems to never be good enough and that they always want something more from me. They either want me to be more fun, more decisive, more accepting, more ready, more mature, more talkative, more knowing, etc. The more they want from me, the more I feel like I have to change to meet their wants. I try so hard but it never seems to be good enough, which is devastating for me because I strive for that perfection. I am also a people pleaser and will compromise my own happiness if that means it makes others happy.
This has always been a struggle for me, but it got to a point where I didn't even recognize who I was anymore or like myself. I was starting to have the worst self confidence and anxiety because of it and I didn't really know how to handle it. I just bottled it up and pretended everything was fine, when inside it was killing me. When I began to let Jesus into my heart, it was amazing how these feelings slowly began to fade. And then as I sat in church and truly listened for the first time in a long time, the Pastor said something that really resonated within my heart. He read John 6:27...
"Don't labor for the food that perishes, but for the food that endures to eternal life, which the Son of Man will give you, for on Him God the Father has set His seal."
I have always felt that the harder I work, the more satisfied I will be with myself and the more satisfied others will be with me - but this never seemed to be the case. The harder I worked the more draining it was, which seemed to lead me further away from that satisfaction and happiness. I now understand that I was never truly satisfied because I was resisting Jesus, the only one who can truly satisfy. As I have began to let him in, it has been amazing how much more satisfied I have felt in all aspects of my life. And it's even more amazing how I haven't had to "work" for that satisfaction. God's definition of work is rest. If you work to believe in the one who has already done the work on your behalf, you can rest in Him and be truly satisfied. It's a good feeling knowing that I don't have to work to earn Jesus's approval and satisfaction because if I am in Christ, I am already who He made me to be, which is Just Jen.
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